Not that this matters to you or you or you but, maybe.

Thinking about 2012 and how it’s different from 1989-2011 and I realize that I’ve changed quite a bit.  

If I could describe the person I ideally want to be above all labels and adjectives, is someone who loves freely and generously.  She is someone I am working to become because I’ve come to realize that love is the most important thing.  Without it, you will never lift your head to whisper your secrets to the moon, and if you cannot speak to the moon, how can you speak to other people’s hearts?  

At the age of 6 or 7 I stargazed all the time in part because the night sky was so beautiful, and also in part because I thought I might have been an alien.  I had and have never felt like I belonged in my family.  My gestures of love through leaves patiently collected and pasted on construction paper only made friends with the garbage can.  People in my life came and went like those leaves and I did not dare love a single one.

I’ve shielded myself from rejection to the point where I’ve become numb and can’t distinguish what I feel from what I want to feel.  I hide behind my pride, my independence and my smile.  This is very sad and pathetic and maybe I wasn’t an alien but I had started to become one.     

I began to see that everyone “loves” a different way.  Some people love through guilt, some people love through envy and some people love through obligation.  But that’s not really love.  That’s guilt, envy and obligation. 

True love is somewhat unconditional don’t you think?  True love, is like gazing at the moon.  You can see her dents and craters but you don’t think to change her.  You take her for what she is, find beauty in her light, and cherish her because there can only ever be one moon.  

I am learning to love people like I love the moon and am not afraid to believe that the feeling is mutual.